


Some day take me far away from here

by Amie33



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-07
Updated: 2012-07-07
Packaged: 2017-11-09 09:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/454013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amie33/pseuds/Amie33
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>He’s lying in the dark, eyes closed -or so he thinks, because it’s been such a long time he can’t even tell the difference between the darkness of the ship and the darkness of his eyelids. He is waiting, since it’s the only thing left to do. Waiting, and the end will come soon.<em></em></em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some day take me far away from here

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Bev and Jenn for the beta.  
> I'm really sorry for this story. It broke my heart writing it. I hope you'll forgive me.  
> Title is from _Weigh on my shoulders ___by Drew Holcomb and the neighbors.

He’s lying in the dark, eyes closed -or so he thinks, because it’s been such a long time he can’t even tell the difference between the darkness of the ship and the darkness of his eyelids. He is waiting, since it’s the only thing left to do. Waiting, and the end will come soon.

He is old, so old he can’t remember how old he exactly is, as he can’t remember how long he’s been lying there, still. It seems to be ages already, and maybe it is, he doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to know. He just wishes he won’t have to wait much longer before it’s over. He is already grateful there’s no pain -he had always thought he was going to die in awful pain, wounded by one or the other of his enemies, but apparently death has other plans for him and he’s going to pass away peacefully and alone, lying on the floor of his beloved ship. He is just tired, he wants to fall asleep and never awake, he wants to dream and never realize he is gone.

He can still feel the light tremor of the Tardis beneath him and around him, but it’s weak -weaker and weaker every second. She is old too, too old, so much older than him, and she’s going to stop with him. They have seen more than anybody has ever seen and they have been brilliant together, and they have run, as fast and as far as they could, running from the beginning to the end of time, and now it’s their turn, they have reached the end of the road but there’s no reason to be sad because they’ve reached it together, and it has been wonderful.

He can try to balance the good things and all the bad things he has done, but what’s the point? It’s too late to change, and it’s too late to forgive himself. He prefers remembering what lights up his heart, the memories of people he had known and who made him feel better, made him feel like he was important and beautiful and a good man. He remembers the joy and the laughter and the adventures and the smile on their faces, the men and the women, the humans and the aliens, his friends, his companions, his family.

He has met so many people, he has loved and been loved so many times, is there something ironic in the fact that he is going to die alone? He wants someone to hold his hand and stroke his hair and says that everything’s gonna be okay, even if he knows that it’s a lie, he would believe all the lies of the one who would come and help him to go. He thinks about standing up and looking for that person, but he doesn’t know who to call, he doesn’t want any of his friends to see him like that, and he is too weak to move. So he stands there, and does nothing. Waiting.

When he hears a crackling and catches sight of sparks somewhere in front of him he thinks that it’s finally the sound of his own body breaking and the light of his soul leaving for ever. Except that he still feels alive and there’s something appearing in the console room. Do angels exist? he asks himself stupidly, but he is too exhausted to care about stupid thoughts. He looks up and spots a pair of boots, long pale legs, the hem of a dress, the dress itself, blue dark like a nightly sky, hips surrounded by a heavy belt, the most beautiful chest he has ever seen, bare shoulders, the soft skin of a neck, and finally, a face.

There’s no doubt now, he is dead, and somehow he is in Heaven. Or he is in Hell and this is just a way to torture himself until the end of time. Or he is dreaming, and that’s the sweetest dream he could have imagined to be his last one.

When she begins to move, walking in his direction, he thinks his hearts have stopped, at least one, he can’t feel blood rushing in his veins anymore and he can’t feel the hard ground under his heavy body and he can’t breathe. At the same moment he realizes he doesn’t want to be dead already, because there’s the woman he loves the most trying to reach him and he _can’t_ go now. Tears prickle his eyes and he blinks, trying to chase them away, because his vision is blurred and he wants to see, he wants to see her, he wants to see everything. He doesn’t even realize he can see, while he was lost in darkness a few seconds before, he doesn’t realize the Tardis has made a last effort to welcome her child by turning on a dim light. He just realizes she’s here and he’s too afraid it’s not true that he can’t see anything else.

She is beautiful, more beautiful that she has been in his memories -but he is old and his memories aren’t trustworthy and it’s been such a long time he last saw her that he has almost forgotten what she looks like. But he remembers the shape, he remembers the curves of her waist, he remember the golden fluffy curls around her head, he remembers the green light of her eyes, and if he focuses he can remember the feeling of her smooth skin under his hands and the taste of her lips on his and the scent of her perfume in his nostrils, and everything about her.

A few seconds that seem to be an eternity and she’s next to him, kneeling in front of him, and he doesn’t only remember, he can see and smell and if he reached out he could feel and taste -but he can’t move, he can only stare at her and pray she won’t vanish.

“Hello Sweetie.” she murmurs, a soft smile on her lips that tries to hide the deep sadness of her hearts. He freezes during a brief second, her words too loud for his ears that haven’t hear anything for days, weeks, maybe years, the sound of her voice almost unbearable after all those centuries without her and he can’t believe she’s here.

He opens his mouth, clearing his throat a few times, and she watches him with her eyes full of love and patience and sympathy and she’s going to kill him just looking at him that way. Finally he succeeds in articulating, and his voice is hoarse and tired, just a whisper, but the syllables sound like honey and warm him up.

“River...”

She can’t stop a sob when she hears him and he reaches out, slowly, his arm aching after the long stillness, and he thinks he’ll never reach his goal but then she takes his hand and guides him until he can palm her cheek. He presses his fingers on her skin, feeling her, making sure she’s real and won’t fade away like an illusion. She doesn’t. On the contrary she leans on his touch, and his hand is trapped between her hand and her cheek, she’s warm and she’s soft, her cold tears running through their entwined fingers.

“Are you real?” he asks. There's something like a laugh between her sobbing, a strangled noise that gives him an idea of how bad he must look.

“Of course I'm real.” she replies, sniffing, and he breathes more easily. He can't be sure, a dream can lie, a hallucination can lie, especially his own because he is a good liar, but he doesn't really care if she's real or not, she's next to him and it's all that matters.

He wipes away a few tears with his thumb and his hand falls, too weak to stay up on her face. It lands on her knees and she took it, tangling her fingers with his. He smiles weakly, amazed by that simple movement of hers. He doesn't know yet but she won't let go of his hand until the end.

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

She wipes her last tears with her free hand and sighs deeply, trying to stop crying. “I just entered random coordinates,” she breathes out. “This is not what I expected to find.” She looks up at the Tardis around her, and that's when he realizes the lights are on. He knows she can feel that the ship is dying too. His hearts aches, not for himself, not for the ship, but for River, because soon they'll be gone and she'll be alone, even if she will still find him and run with them, it won't be the same, knowing how it ends. He has known the feeling from the beginning.

“You shouldn’t stay.” he tells her and she looks down at him.

“I'm not going anywhere. I can't leave you alone for...” she stops in the middle of her sentence and closes her eyes, but it's not enough to stop more tears from falling. “And don't try to change my mind.” she continues, her voice firm despite the tears. “I won't go.” He doesn't know how she can be so strong now, because he doesn't have the slightest strength to fight her or persuade her that this is not a good idea. He's not sure this is what he wants for her, to see him on his last day and to watch him die -but apparently he has no choice. He closes his eyes and nods silently, too tired to argue.

“What can I do?” she asks, stroking his hair with such tenderness he is about to cry too, but he swallows and just shivers. There was a time when there were rituals, they were things to do, but now he is the last of his kind, the Matrix doesn't exist anymore, and what can she do?

“River, love, there's...” he breathes out then stops, because suddenly he remembers, there's maybe something she can do. He had planned something but had stopped hoping he could count on this for a long time, but now she's here, and maybe she can help him. He opens his eyes suddenly and stares at her. His expression is more alive than it has been in a long time.

“What?” she asks, aware that there's something running through his mind. He doesn't answer, his hands reaching out and fumbling in his pocket. He grumbles, unable to find what he is looking for, his breath short and erratic. “Doctor, stop.” She moves his hand out of the pocket, replacing it with her own and he doesn’t try to stop her -or he tries but he’s too weak for her to feel his resistance. She take a brief look at his weak limb falling helplessly on the ground and at his chest, moving up and down rapidly while he tries to catch his breath. She lets him a few seconds before asking what he is looking for and his answer is a murmur. “Screwdriver.” She frowns, because she doesn’t know what she can do with a screwdriver in that situation, but she doesn't say anything, because surely he knows what he is doing, even now -and if he doesn’t, she won’t dare to point it out.

She finds the device and holds it out for him, and he takes it with a cough. She stares at it with interest while he fiddle with it, trying not to focus on his groans as he does; every single movement seems to be a trial for him, and she feels helpless. He finally manages to open the screwdriver and there's a little green tube in there.

“You know what it is, don't you?” he asks her and she nods, wondering why he has a communication device in his screwdriver. It's an old screwdriver, the oldest she has ever seen, and it's an old doctor, the oldest face she has ever seen him with, and she tries to remember if it has already been there in her past and she has never noticed it. “Find Felman Lux and give it to him. Tell him to put it with Charlotte.” She listens carefully, because she has no idea how are those people he is talking about and how they can help. “He will understand. Ask Sexy, she'll tell you when and where to find him.” he stops to breath, closing the screwdriver and holding it out for her. She takes it and places it in one of her pockets, safe. “But be quick. I don't know how much time you'll have before it stops flashing and I'll be completely gone.” He looks at her, eyes in eyes, to be sure she understands what she has to do.

“Okay.” she breathes out, and there's a stupid hope growing up in her, that maybe he has found a way to save his soul somewhere, and that somehow he will live hundreds of years more. “Of course, Lux, Charlotte, quickly, I understand.” she repeats his order and he sighs, relaxed, like she has just taken a huge weigh out of him. She burns to ask him why all of this is about and how it will work but doesn't say anything -he probably won't answer anyway.

“What about her?” she asks instead, alluding to the Tardis.

“We're close to the end of the universe. A few years and it will be over. Nothing will ever find her. She'll be safe.”

She nods silently. Everything's done, everything’s said then. They just have to wait for the end to come. And suddenly this is too much to handle, she can't fight another wave of tears as she understands that there's nothing coming after. She lies down next to the weak body that's still living and breathing for now and she presses him against her. She needs to feel his hearts beating a last time, she needs to feel his breath on her skin a last time, she just needs to be with him. Her sobbing are mixed with moans of pain and it's wrong, he should be the one to be afraid and she should be the one to calm him down, he surely doesn't want his last memory of her to be a tearful face. But he doesn't say anything, humming sweet words for her and he touches her face, more easily now that she is down with him, his other hand still entwined with hers. They cry together for a few minutes before she can breathe again and swallow her sobbing, quiet tears still running down her cheeks, and that's the best she can do.

“River, I...” he begins but she stops him. He has closed his eyes and she can feel his hearts beating more slowly now, his body is colder and it's as though everything in him is pausing.

“Shh, I know,” she trails off, pulling him until his face lies on her chest, securely, and she rocks him like a child. “Everything will be okay. I'm here.” She swallows more tears as her voice breaks, and then she stays quiet. There are many things to be said and there are many things to be done, but she'll have time, in her future, in his past, and now is not the right time. She knows everything he would like to say to her and she'll make sure he knows everything she would have to say to him. Now it's time to stop.

He is calm, he feels good. She is here, the best thing he could have imagined for the end. Her whole body is pressed against him and he can feel her warmth around him, filling him. It's more and more difficult to breathe now but it doesn't matter, because she's here, and everything will be okay, and he believes her when she tells him so. He just has to close his eyes. Like that. Inhaling her scent for a last time. Squeezing her hand, and she tightens his grip around him. He can still hear her voice when he drifts away, and then it's over.

xxx

Many years after, Strackman Lux contacts River for an expedition at the Library, and she doesn’t hesitate a single second before accepting to join the team. She doesn’t know what’s the link between the Doctor’s last wills and this, but it can’t be a coincidence.

She has found Felman, as she was told, and he seemed stunned when she told him about Charlotte, but he knew about the Doctor and respected him and so he promised her he would do what he had wanted. He didn’t want to tell her who Charlotte was though, and how she could help the Doctor’s dying soul, but he was sincere and she was sure that, whatever he did, he did it well.

It’s only when they find CAL -Charlotte Abigail Lux- that she understands what the Doctor’s done. Suddenly it was not only about saving 4,022 people, nor about saving a little girl’s mind, nor about saving the young Doctor’s life, it was also about saving the remaining parts of his soul that _must_ be in there. She just hopes, the moment she sacrifices herself, that he’ll find a way for her to join him.

And this incredible amazing man does find a way to save her with him. When she awakes in that strange world, her only thought is for him -where is he, is he safe with her, and please, please, may he be there. She meets Charlotte, and Doctor Moon, there are her friends and she hugs them tightly, and finally she spots him, far away, staring at her, waiting.

She runs, she would like to go faster and cross the way in a second, and magically her thought comes true and she’s next to him in a blink. She takes a moment to look at him. She doesn’t know how but it’s her Doctor, not the body he has died in but her favorite face, and she wonders if he can change his features as he likes in this strange place. She reaches out for his face, her whole body shivering when her fingers touch his skin and she’s amazed of how real it feels. He smiles and kisses her palm, his eyes never leaving hers. And then she can’t wait anymore and she hugs him, and his arms snake around her waist. He holds her tightly, and she can’t help but cry as they kiss and murmur words of love and he tells her how he’s been missing her.

And it’s the end, but nothing is over.

**the end**


End file.
